allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
We smell like vodka and hangover
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