I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
