M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
