i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
