win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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