Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
