You smell like stripper and shame
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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