dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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