How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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