I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
