I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
