have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
