Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
