it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
