Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
