I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
