drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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