is your mom at the bar?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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