I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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