this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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