I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
