OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
