i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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