I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
