Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
