i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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