I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
