I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
