i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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