last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
