you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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