nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
