I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
