If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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