His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
