I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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