i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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