and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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