watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
