I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
