im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
