Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
