Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
