im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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