32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
