Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize