Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
