i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
