it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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