Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
