I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
